There’s not much to say about the two Santa Clauses from these classic Christmas films other than they look pretty similar, which shouldn’t be surprising considering both films are based on the stop-motion animation process called “Animagic.” Both Santas are a bit bulbous and clearly look like little children’s dolls, which isn’t very sexy even if your imagination is active. Plus, you know that sex would last forever since it would have to stop and restart every second.

Photo: Disney+/Courtesy Everett Collection

While Howery certainly has a lot going for him in real life, his Santa Claus sports some very unfortunate facial hair in this Disney+ movie you probably didn’t know existed (Ludacris is in it?!). Howery’s Santa Claus says that to look younger, he dyed his white beard half-black, but the result always looks like he’s wearing a cotton scarf around his neck. We can do better!

Photo: Warner Bros./Courtesy Everett Collection

Even in the era of Giamatti’s career when he appeared in truly ridiculous children’s entertainment, his characters had a whimsy that can be quite sexy. Still, maybe his Santa Claus is a little to authentic here. His hair is disheveled, his nose is constantly red and blistered (I expect wind chill from the sleigh), and he struggles with acid reflux and sleep apnea. And while owning a CPAP machine is one of the hallmarks of gay bear culture, I think he was doomed in this film since his hotter brother is played by Vince Vaughn.

Photo: 20th Century Fox/Courtesy Everett Collection

Another arbitrary rule I set for this list is that I only wanted to include one version of this classic Old Hollywood film that was remade about four times (two of which were just short TV specials). Sebastian Cabot looked too much like an old fisherman in the 1973 film version, while Richard Attenborough reminds me of the granddaddy of all men in the 1994 film (even though you know he would “spare no expense” while wooing you) . That leaves Gwenn, the original and for my money the hottest. He definitely has the best beard of all.

Photo: Disney+/Courtesy Everett Collection

This is another Disney film from last year that you probably missed (unless you’re the 7-year-old audience it was aimed at), and I have to confess that I haven’t actually seen it. Still, in the brief excerpt we see in the trailer, Glover speaks in a delicious baritone. Plus, in most of the photos from this film, Glover looks incredibly bored, as if he’d rather be doing something else. And after all, what’s hotter than when a man shows no interest in you?

Photo: New Line Cinema/Courtesy Everett Collection

Maybe it’s just because Will Ferrell is so good at playing a very unsexy and childlike “elf” character (he’s not technically an elf), but Asner as Santa Claus actually seems somewhat sexy, at least in comparison, in this classic film. In my books, he’s probably the sexiest of the “traditional” old Santas we know; He has a gruff voice, is smart, and wears fashionable half-moon glasses that you know will look good on the nightstand.

Photo: Apic/Getty Images/Rue des Archives

OK, maybe we’re going a little out of the box here when it comes to horniness, but Coke basically invented Santa Claus as we know him today, and it’s hard to turn down sleeping with a celebrity. The many versions of this Santa tend to have very flushed cheeks, giving the impression that he is either blushing (cute!) or that he is spicing up his cola with something stronger (spicy!). Give me one too, Santa Claus.

Photo: Target

You might be surprised that this new Santa isn’t number one on this list, but he’s just pushing the envelope a little too much. Also, I didn’t want to appear simple. The other characters in these ads can’t quite get over how “weirdly hot” Kris looks in his cozy Target uniform (with skin-hugging beige chinos), salt and pepper hair, and bicep curls. This Santa is more jacked than cheerful, but we’re definitely not complaining. Kris K. may not be at the top, but he can definitely be at the top – (My keyboard is ripped from my hands by my editor).

From left: Photo: Paramount Pictures/Courtesy Everett CollectionPhoto: Netflix/Courtesy Everett Collection

From above: Photo: Paramount Pictures/Courtesy Everett CollectionPhoto: Netflix/Courtesy Everett Collection

Some little girls and little gay boys experienced their sexual awakening thanks to Disney characters like Prince Eric, Ariel’s lover The Little Mermaid (1989). But others were lucky thanks to their father, King Triton. And these two Santas definitely fall into the latter category. They are both incredibly muscular; have dark, bushy eyebrows; have large, masculine noses; and boast long white beards that you want to get lost in. If I had to choose one, I would probably choose Simmons’ Klaus over Nicholas St. North just because of Alec Baldwin.

Photo: Michael Gibson/ Netflix/ Courtesy Everett Collection

Okay, yes, there is a sequel to this Netflix film for 2020, which is what I accused Tim Allen of Santa Clausbut that wouldn’t be Netflix if they didn’t squeeze every last drop out of its IP. I’m not too mad, though, because Russell’s Santa has a massive mane of windswept gray curls, a Herculean physique, and is married to Goldie Hawn. Unlike some of our other Santas, it’s also obvious that he maintains his beard thanks to the perfectly styled curls. A generous man who takes care of himself? Sign me up.

Photo: Allen Fraser/Universal Pictures/Courtesy Everett Collection

We’ve arrived at, well, the climax of our Christmas adventure, and who better to give us joy and legs than the handsome bear police chief Stranger Things? Harbor’s Santa isn’t as pretty as Russell’s, but damn if he isn’t sexy as hell as he swings a sledgehammer against a murderous gang of thieves who have taken a wealthy family hostage on Christmas Eve. He drinks, he curses, he blows people up. He’s like the bad Santa is the good Santa and also the hot Santa. Do you need more convincing? Just look at this poster of a bloodied Harbor sitting on a chimney with his legs spread wide, just as he is. Merry Christmas to everyone and good night to everyone because I’m going to bed with this Santa Claus now.