In the wake of her husband Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss‘s tragic death in December 2022, Allison Holker has spoken out about the painful truths she discovered in his diaries while searching for answers.

Hoping to find clarity – and some semblance of closure – Allison Holker uncovered deeply buried issues that even those closest to Stephen “tWitch” Boss never knew about.

Allison Holker discovered tWitch’s secrets through his diary

In the months before his death, Holker noticed subtle but troubling changes in Boss’s behavior – he became withdrawn, focused less on self-care and smoked more frequently. Although he admitted that he felt depressed, she remembers that he was “very careful with his wording” and hid the full extent of his pain even from her.

“He was struggling with a lot inside and trying to self-medicate and deal with all of these feelings because he didn’t want to do it to anyone else because he loved everyone so much,” Holker said People magazine in a new interview ahead of the release of her new memoir.

tWitch reveals he was sexually abused

Among the heartbreaking entries, Boss alluded to being sexually abused by a male figure in his childhood, a trauma he has silently carried with him throughout his life. “He didn’t want other people to take on his pain,” she added.

While these revelations initially left Holker feeling betrayed, time has given her a broader perspective. “Reading Stephen’s diaries and even going back to the books he had read and the things he highlighted and highlighted really gave me a better perspective on where he was in life and the things he was struggling with “she shared. “It made me feel great compassion for him and saddened by all the pain he had to endure.”

Holker’s decision to share these intimate struggles comes from deep intention. She hopes her vulnerability could save even one person from suffering in silence. “It’s hard to believe he never opened up to anyone and wanted to face it and come through on the other side. I really hope that people who are struggling with the same thing come out of the shadows and (know) that you are going to be okay.

Allison Holker releases her new memoir

After her husband’s death, Holker channels her grief into a mission to help others cope with trauma and loss. She recently announced that she plans to publish her memoir, “This Far: My Story of Love, Loss, and Embracing the Light,” which is due out next month.

“I sat in my pool or hot tub all the time and talked to Stephen (after his death). I was mad at him or happy with him or just going through memories,” Holker remembers. “One night when I was so angry, I forgave him and thought about how many people were probably waiting for this moment that I just had.”

This realization led her to return to her memoirs, determined to create something that could guide others through their darkest hours. “I don’t want people to feel like I’m their therapist when they read it. I’m not trained in this world, but something really traumatic happened in my life that made me realize what I was already working on.” It’s really, really important for me to keep going.

Holker hopes her story will be a lifeline to those who feel alone in their struggles. “It has given me more focus and purpose, and I really hope that I can be an advocate and a voice for people who feel alone or left behind.”

The last days of tWitch

In December 2022, Stephen “tWitch” Boss checked into an Oak Tree Inn, less than a mile from his home in Los Angeles. Leaving his phone on airplane mode and his car at home, he took an Uber with a small bag to the motel and booked an overnight stay.

Hotel staff reported that Boss seemed calm and unconcerned upon check-in. However, when he didn’t check out the next morning, staff discovered he had died in his room from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.

Authorities later revealed that Boss had left a suicide note in which he referred to “past challenges.” While the exact contents of the note remain confidential, it was a sobering acknowledgment of the silent battles he had waged.

Move forward with purpose

Allison Holker’s story is not just about loss, but also about resilience, advocacy and hope. Through her memoir and her ongoing efforts to raise mental health awareness, she is determined to ensure others know they are not alone.

“If sharing Stephen’s story can help even one person step out of the shadows and ask for help, then his legacy will continue to shine,” she said.

By sharing her grief and her husband’s hidden struggles, Holker hopes to honor tWitch’s memory while shining a light on the importance of openness, healing, and connection.

If you or someone you know is experiencing mental health issues or suicidal thoughts, reach out to us 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for help.