New Delhi:

The fabulous lives of Bollywood couples and divorces have gone hand in hand for many years. The year 2024 was no exception. Except for one term that found its way into the Indian lexicon: gray divorce. Something India learned from music composer AR Rahman and his estranged wife Saira Banu.

What is a gray divorce?

Gray divorces refer to couples in their late forties or early fifties who separate after spending years or decades together in a marriage. This usually happens when the couples are more settled, their careers are coming to an end and their children have already left home.

The gray divorce hype gained momentum in November when composer-singer AR Rahman and his wife Saira Banu called it quits after nearly three decades together.

AR Rahman, known for his musical genius, hardly made headlines in his personal life all these years. His lesser-known wife Saira Banu along with her husband made a few public appearances at award ceremonies and events, but pictures on social media are not the same as real life.

AR Rahman and Saira Banu announced their divorce in a joint statement.

It said: “Despite their deep love for each other, the couple has found that the tensions and difficulties have created an insurmountable gap between them that neither party can currently bridge.”

“Ms. Saira and her husband, Mr. AR Rahman, request the public’s privacy and understanding during this challenging time as they navigate this difficult chapter in their lives,” it added.

Hours after the news of their breakup broke, AR Rahman wrote on his X-handle that they were looking for “meaning” in this “shock”.

“We had hoped to reach the big thirty, but all things seem to have an invisible end. Even the throne of God might shake under the weight of broken hearts. But in this shock, we search for meaning even as the pieces fall apart. We thank our friends for your kindness and for respecting our privacy as we navigate this fragile chapter,” wrote AR Rahman.

“We were hoping to reach the big thirty, but everything seems to be coming to an unpredictable end. Even the throne of God might shake under the weight of broken hearts. But in this fragmentation we search for meaning, even if the pieces may not find their place again. To our friends, thank you for…

– ARRahman (@arrahman) November 19, 2024

AR Rahman and Saira Banu are not alone

In the last few years, Bollywood couples like Sohail Khan-Seema Sajdeh, Aamir Khan-Kiran Rao, Malaika Arora-Arbaaz Khan and Hrithik Roshan-Sussanne Khan have prioritized their mental well-being and happiness over societal norms and expectations. They all went through a “gray divorce,” which meant giving up their identities, both private and public.

Three years ago, Aamir Khan and Kiran Rao ended their marriage amicably. The couple had a happy reunion and had the best time at Aamir’s daughter Ira Khan’s wedding to Nupur Shikhare earlier this year.

Aamir’s ex-wife and Ira’s mother Reena Dutta were present at the celebrations. Happy images of a modern blended family flooded social media.

Later, Kiran Rao spoke about her fallout with other family members of Reena Dutta and Aamir Khan.

“It comes naturally to us as humans to be inclusive,” Kiran said in an interview with The Week.

“We also live in the same housing society. My mother-in-law lives upstairs, Reena lives next door and Nuzhat (Aamir’s cousin) also lives nearby. This is because we really like each other as people. I spend time with Reena and Nuzhat also independently of Aamir.

“My sisters-in-law live upstairs and I love them. These are relationships you shouldn’t lose when you get divorced. Aamir and I didn’t have an acrimonious divorce; “We may have broken up as a couple, but we are very much in love, a real family,” she added.

Psychological reasons

There are various psychological reasons that lead a couple to a gray divorce.

Relationship counselor Ruchi Ruuh tells NDTV, “The main reason behind gray divorces is the rise of individualism. Couples in their late 40s or early 50s are trying to rediscover who they are. They are looking for identities that go beyond the existing ones they have formed.” Perhaps they have had certain repressed wishes or desires for years around their partners or parents that they are now trying to fulfill.

Ruchi Ruuh also argued that awareness and acceptance of “singlehood” is increasing in the urbanized social fabric and the stigma surrounding divorce and gray divorce is being broken.

“This older generation, the generation is falling apart,” says Ruchi.

With the passage of time and the growing influence of social media, old couples do not hesitate to seek their happiness even when the clock has passed midlife.

Co-parents yet individuals

Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne Khan separated in 2014 after 14 years of marriage. They continue to be parents to sons Hrehaan and Hridaan. The couple always makes sure to be present for their sons’ important moments.

Earlier this year, Hrithik Roshan and Sussanne appeared at their son Hrehaan Roshan’s graduation ceremony. Sussanne shared an insider video from the ceremony and wrote: “Where we’re going, no one knows… but I have to say I’m on the way… Happy birthday son.”

Take a look:

Seema Sajdeh had a tough time after her divorce from Sohail Khan, which also affected her friendship with her best friend Maheep Kapoor.

In an episode of the Netflix reality series Fabulous lives vs Bollywood women, The fashion designer spoke about how her decision to walk away from a 24-year marriage has affected her interpersonal relationships with her sons, friends and others. The couple also made a rare appearance together on their son Yohaan’s birthday a few months ago.

Seema Sajdeh and Sohail Khan in an old picture

Seema and Sohail Khan share sons Nirvaan and Yohaan, and Arbaaz is now married to Sshura Khan.

Gray divorces in 2024

In 2024, Esha Deol shocked fans when she announced her divorce from husband Bharat Takhtani in February.

The statement said: “We have mutually and amicably decided to part ways. During this transition in our lives, the well-being and wellbeing of our two children remains our top priority. We politely ask that our privacy be respected during this time.”

Esha Deol and Bharat Takhtani at their wedding

In November, Pursue Actress Isha Koppikar spoke about her divorce for the first time in an interview with Bombay Times.

“I really can’t put my finger on what went wrong…we kind of grew apart. It was his decision, he said, “This isn’t working.” And I said, “Okay, fine.” Then we just parted ways. Only mature people can make such decisions… It was easy for me not to divorce him, but that would go against my values. “We parted ways amicably,” Isha said.

Isha and husband Timmy Narang have a 10-year-old daughter. Timmy confirmed his divorce in January after reports circulated online.

Do celebrity divorces affect the decisions of common people?

Ruchi Ruuh says celebrity divorces actually impact the decisions of common people as there is a “certain aspirational value” attached to it.

“I would like to tell an anecdote here. As Yash Chopra Silsila was published, the discussion about extramarital affairs reached its peak and people were having extramarital affairs. The conversations normalized things in a way. “Similarly, divorces of celebrities with gray hair have an impact on the decisions of common people,” shares Ruchi.

Gray divorces also highlight a shift in the divorce narrative, where women are said to be losing their identities and financial freedoms.

“Celebrities like Sussanne Khan and Malaika Arora are living a beautiful life after their divorce and are encouraging women to get out of their forced bonds,” adds Ruchi.

Celebrity or non-famous, no couple wants a broken home, especially after spending decades together. But gray divorce, a growing social phenomenon in India, highlights the importance of striving for love, compassion and happiness, which cannot always be dictated by social conditions.

Gray divorces are not desirable, but they allow a person to seek agencies for their happiness.