I’m perfectly capable of enjoying a cheesy Lindsay Lohan romantic comedy on Netflix. Last year I liked “Irish Wish” and got hooked on it. (I stand by that affection.) But Our Little Secret, Lohan’s new holiday rom-com, is crumpled tinsel of a different kind. I’m tempted to say it’s every bit the Netflix standard. I winced, I grimaced, I said “NO!…,” I forced myself to stop paying attention to how much time was left.

Every romantic comedy needs that love story that MacGuffin knows as “The Thing That Keeps Our Two Romantic Co-Stars Apart.” But part of the strange ineptitude of “Our Little Secret” is that this thing doesn’t exist. An animated prelude shows us that Avery (Lohan) and Logan (Ian Harding) grew up together, became inseparable friends, fell in love… and everything was good. But then we come to 2014. The two are adults and Avery goes to London for an unspecified job. So the relationship comes to an end.

We think: Really, why? The movie told us that these two are perfect lovebirds who are made for each other. If that’s the case and you get a job in London, wouldn’t they…discuss the future? Are you talking about what they’re going to do?

No. The film treats Avery’s career as an existential relationship destroyer without devoting a single line of explanatory dialogue to it. When Logan gets down on one knee at her going away party to make one of those awkward public marriage proposals, she looks at him like he’s just vomited on the carpet. She is horrified. Why? Because the film requires them to be separate and alienated. That’s the only reason. Hailey DeDominicis’ screenplay sacrifices basic human emotions to the logic of arcs, beats and algorithms.

Cut to the present, where the real fun begins. Avery and Logan are back in their hometown (he’s a contractor, she’s…well, her job remains vague but “high-profile”), and both have significant others, both of whom are decidedly unattractive in the way of romantic comedy sidekicks . Avery’s boyfriend Cameron (Jon Rudnitsky) is a chatty cryptocurrency bro of sorts. Logan’s girlfriend Cassie (Katie Baker) is a manipulative Barbie doll princess. Here’s the catch, the spoiler, the surprise: This terrible boyfriend and girlfriend are brother and sister. That’s why, after not seeing each other in 10 years, Avery and Logan end up at the same upscale family Christmas party, hosted by a WASP matriarch from hell (Kristin Chenoweth), and agree to spend the holiday keeping the secret they both were once the perfect couple.

Aside from how much AI filmmaking works, ““Our Little Secret,” directed by the once-promising Stephen Herek (“Mr. Holland’s Opus”), is a horror film. Take the scene where Avery, accidentally high on THC gummies, has to give a speech at church. She sings her version of the Christmas story, which somehow incorporates the lyrics of “Celebrate” by Kool and the Gang, which results in black choir members and the audience singing the song, which inspires everyone in the church to sing it. On the cringe scale, that’s about a 9.2.

Avery and Logan both have to get on the good side of Erica, played by Chenoweth with a control-freak hauteur so fragile it leads to excruciating self-deprecation. Lohan, smart and centered, holds her own amid the vastness, as does the sharp, dry Ian Harding (of “Pretty Little Liars”). But these two are too stubborn to be funny; That’s one of the reasons they belong together. The plot reveals all of the other characters’ secrets (an affair, a late-night drinking binge… and who ate all the cookies?) and then spits them out in a climax that portrays Christmas as a disaster. The whole thing is accompanied by one of those great Christmas music scores.

I certainly see the mechanics of a film like Our Little Secret – how Netflix has changed the aesthetic of wholesome movie cheese. You watch Our Little Secret, peer through the gossamer contraptions, giggle at the silliness, and somehow it all becomes part of the experience. It’s mainstream fodder as downgraded camp. It’s Pablum, so numbing it makes you feel good.