We all have questions and need advice, but sometimes the pseudotherapy on astrology girls’ Instagram stories isn’t enough. Or perhaps the adventure bros’ gate-keeping culture makes you fearful of the judgment that comes with identifying yourself as a newbie at anything. This advice column is designed to make room for you and your Boulder queries (especially the uncool ones).

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What is the best gym membership in Boulder?

This economic climate has us all looking for ways to prevent our checking account balances from going in a generally bad direction. Go ahead, eat Annie’s Shells and white cheddar for weeks, fake insomnia to save money on weed with a health card – what Is A gym membership is worth good money, and the gym you choose can be the difference between being emotionally traumatized by an obsessive and cruel man and not having to join a climbing gym.

Skip the yoga studio (too awesome), CrossFit (not awesome enough), the Y (too close to the climbing gym), and sign up for a membership at the OG Boulder Rec Centers. I could talk about the proletarian charm of the city facilities or the joy of lap swimming, but the best thing about the leisure centers is the exposure to the naked human form in the locker rooms. I definitely owe them my appreciation for all variations of breasts – and non-sexualized, aging bodies are a must-see in these fake ass times.

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What do I do with visitors who neither hike nor drink beer?

For most in Boulder, this type of person is threatening and confusing, because the average Joe here wakes up, drinks a Hazy IPA right before climbing the Flatirons, drinks Upslope Pale Ale at the top, and then meets up with his buddies to get over talking about hiking in an outdoor sports brewery.

I for one think it is so cool that you are open-minded enough to be friends with people who don’t drink beer and don’t go on hikes! Just being out in public with them while they’re not hiking or drinking beer would show them that you’re a brave ally who celebrates diversity, even when it’s strange and disgusting.

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How do I find a friend at CU?

Many grown women will see a gallon jug of water from Eldorado Springs or a drug carpet from Baja Hoodie and suddenly think of an old CU friend with fondness and a little nausea. It was definitely nice to have someone always there to eat Illegal Pete’s burritos and watch The wire, It wasn’t so nice waking up to the sound of a blowtorch as your CU friend took a swab before his chemistry lab at 8am.

If you’re more on the romantic-masochistic side, you could go on a date with your political science TA after finals and learn a *different* kind of lesson… 😉 Surprise, it’s a crash course in the huge gap in psychology’s maturity level between a 20-year-old and a 27-year-old.

Oh, sorry, I forgot to answer your question: tell him his Grateful Dead tattoo is cool, make him a quesadilla and he’s yours.

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How can I continue to spend time with my climbing-obsessed friends after I’ve lost the urge to climb?

Like a fool who picks up Marx and suddenly sees class warfare beyond his tiny world of hair and makeup, a climbing addict’s brain can be rewired by the realization that something like making kombucha is actually fun and definitely not climbing . That’s all well and good for his life expectancy, but it’s also difficult to stay with the boys when every conversation turns to sleazy routes and the group chat consists only of links to the Mountain Project.

You could try to introduce them to the wide world of things beyond climbing, such as online poker, but learning online poker takes time and there is a more efficient way. Next time the gang gets together, you won’t be alone – and your date? She didn’t even know there was more than one way to climb, and you can bet she’ll ask her friends to explain the climbing lingo every time. single. Time. At one point she tells them that they are “much more normal.” Free solo Dude!” Everyone will definitely want to talk about the Buffs.

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How do I stop underperforming? Is it a “fear of failure”?

Do you and your friends make fun of the idiots who run the Leadville 100, train on those precious God-given Boulder weekends, turn the joy of food into an efficiency equation of gels, and run so much? Perhaps there is wistful jealousy behind the mockery; But no, you’re absolutely *okay* with the fact that most of the cardio you do is going up and down the Avanti stairs to piss off the third Mezcal Negroni because of your genes you’re pretty sure you’re type B code. And B stands for what? Slut who loves fun.

But what if you weren’t so fatalistic? I don’t know if you’re afraid of failure, but I do know that giving yourself grace is the first step to reaching a higher standard, which can be an invitation to dream a little bigger, baby. Maybe you won’t puke energy bars in Leadville, but who knows, maybe you’ll start reading every night.

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Have a burning Boulder question? DM @wholefoods_daddy on Instagram or via email Letters@boulderweekly with the subject line “Dear Whole Foods Daddy.”