“There, there.”

“It’s okay.”

“It doesn’t define you as a person.”

These platitudes could apply to so many difficult situations. However, they are particularly useful at this time of year in response to a particular milestone in a person’s journey through life. That’s right, the release of Spotify Wrapped 2024.

Spotify, the music streaming giant, discovered marketing genius when it started packaging its users’ listening habits into their top songs, artists, genres, etc. It started as an email, but with the relentless increase in shareability on social media, Spotify began providing its users with graphics that they could post. Since then, it has become a highly anticipated annual event, with quite a bit of social capital riding on a person’s results depending on how highly they value their musical taste and how it is perceived.

Spotify Wrapped is such a phenomenon that jokes keep popping up online from mid-year through October, so it may not be “too late” to “correct” your findings. While some may proudly report that Taylor Swift’s “Tortured Poets Department” was their top listen of 2024, others may prefer to hide their love for Swift and her Eras Tour in favor of Waxahatchee or Fontaines DC. Although the idea of ​​someone frantically listening to 100 hours of Louisiana sludge metal band Thou just to make up for their love of pop music is significantly less cool than simply acknowledging how legitimate pop music is.

It is possible to split Spotify Wrapped sharers into separate camps. Here are some.

Firstly, there are the musos. They’re the ones who spent the year listening to post acid from Kazakhstan, Sean-Nós and maybe a few tracks from Tyler, The Creator’s album. Their wrapped contains very few duplicates and covers genres you didn’t even know existed. I repeat: never let them take control of the music at a party. You can kiss “Call Me Al” followed by “I Gotta Feeling goodbye.”

Next up are the Mortos. Last year they vowed they’d have a truly deadly Spotify Wrapped in 2024, but then the Sabrina Carpenter bug bit them and now four of their top five tracks are Sabrina bangers. And look, there’s no shame in loving Sabrina Carpenter. But if you were hoping for at least the Waxahatchee and Fontaines DC-style recap, it might be hard to turn out to be a pop princess who’s listened to Espresso 1,543 times. Of course, you don’t have to share your Spotify Wrapped results, but then what are you trying to hide? A Crystal Swing addiction? The best thing to do is to confess your love for Sabrina Carpenter.

The Popettes take pop music seriously. Yes, they have big hitters Billie, Taylor, Charli and Beyoncé (Eilish O’Connell, Swift, XCX and Knowles – although she doesn’t need a last name) in heavy rotation, but they also go deeper. They’re well versed in Tyla album titles, they’ve never given up on Halsey, they’ve been to Chappell Roan’s Gold Dust performance at The Olympia, they’re fans of Irish pop princesses CMAT and Morgana. Don’t question their dedication because you will never surpass them.

Next up are the “Are You Okays”. This was a category that really came into its own in the depths of the pandemic, when a person’s Spotify Wrapped might consist of poetic indie-pop from Mitski and then just hundreds of hours of Deep Forest Sound Bathing For Anxiety. The Are You Okays use music as both release and therapy, simultaneously crying to Mitski and then lying in a darkened room imagining themselves surrounded by trees and forest animals.

The fanatics are the diehards. You’ve loved the Beatles since you were eleven and haven’t listened to anything else since. They’re in the top 0.001% of Oasis consumers and it’s still not good enough for them. They’ve seen Bruce Springsteen live 17 times and damn it, they’re going to do it 18 times when he inevitably returns to the RDS. All in all, YOU CANNOT LIGHT A FIRE!

Finally, there are the parents. And these are the ones who most need the platitudes presented at the beginning. Her Spotify Wrapped is a jumble of Moana, Baby Shark, White Noise, Brown Airplane Noise, and a random Neil Young song that’s the only thing that makes the seven-month-old fall asleep. They used to listen to The Gloaming and Tove Lo, but now it’s all Frozen and Bluey. There, there. It’s okay. It doesn’t define you as a person.